Maternal Ambivalence: What is it and What Can You do About it?

We often fantasize about motherhood and what it will be like. We have expectations of what it will feel like, look like, and what you will be like. The truth, however, is much more than snuggles and kisses with your child. The truth looks much more like this:

A Typical Day in the Life of a New Mom

You wake up in the morning after getting less than ideal sleep, you get some morning snuggles with your baby and go ahead and get breakfast and/or feedings ready. As you’re doing that, the baby starts crying. Among the screams, you console your baby. As the day goes on, you consider going outside but decide to stay in—you’re just not feeling it. You feel isolated and alone but distract yourself by turning the television on. Your baby starts crying inconsolably, and you start questioning your parenting. Although it’s not rational to believe your baby doesn’t like you, the thoughts are still there. But you manage to distract yourself from all that.

Your partner gets home, you talk about the baby, he has dinner while you get the baby ready for bed. You manage to eat and shower while your husband stays with the baby. Once you get the baby settled in bed, your mind starts to wander: "I feel so disconnected from my husband. The house is never clean now. What did I do all day? My life feels so blah. My life feels so chaotic now. I miss my old life." You think some more and feel guilty for not being grateful, for even wanting your old life back.

The Reality of the Postpartum Period

The truth is, the postpartum period is hard, and that’s not just because you now have a baby and need to do things differently. There is so much more to it. There is an internal change happening within you, with the way that you relate to yourself and with your identity. Things as simple as eating a meal, reading a book, taking a shower—all require coordination, planning, and support from others. You are forgoing many of your personal needs, including the need for social interaction, adequate sleep, orderliness, and routines; this all feels foreign to you. A part of you fantasizes about your old life and you struggle with guilt as a result. Maternal ambivalence can often lead to feelings of guilt, but some understanding about why it's happening can help tame the guilt and shame that might ensue.

Understanding Maternal Ambivalence

Maternal ambivalence is described as conflicting feelings about your role as a mother. It can be a controversial topic as people often misunderstand the term and misconstrue it to mean that the conflicting feelings are directed toward the child. Maternal ambivalence can be hard to cope with. It can look like "I love my baby AND I miss my pre-baby life" or "I’m so grateful for my baby AND I don’t like what my life has become." Maternal ambivalence goes against the idealized fantasies about motherhood that we often believe should be our reality.

Coping with Maternal Ambivalence

So what can you do about it? The first step is to acknowledge it and accept that you are feeling this way. Of course, this is easier said than done, but what I really mean is to know that this happens even though we don’t talk about it often. It is a common experience for a lot of people and it makes sense when you think of how sudden the shift from being solo to being a mother is. Accepting it will help you keep the guilt and shame in check as these emotions can quickly spiral. Avoid judging yourself and instead acknowledge that others also experience this, even if they seldom or never talk about it.

If you find that managing the shame and guilt that can come with maternal ambivalence is challenging, consider joining a support group; it might be helpful to be in a community with these feelings and to gain understanding and insight from others who might be having a similar experience. Another thing that can be helpful, whether in pregnancy or in motherhood, is having professional support such as nurses, doulas, and/or therapists, to equip you and support you through your pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting journey.

The Importance of Support

Research shows that if ignored or suppressed, maternal ambivalence can have a negative impact on your mental health. The importance of having support during this period of your life cannot be underestimated. Talking to friends or family might be helpful, but if you don’t feel you have the support available, a support group might be a good option for you; you can find many options for support groups from Postpartum Support International (PSI) by clicking here. Remember, you are not alone in this and you are not your thoughts. Whether it’s support from your support system, professionals, or support groups, help is out there and despite the discomfort that might come from internally acknowledging how you’re feeling or verbally expressing it, stepping into that discomfort might help you grow.